The Happy Sappy Cr*ppy Valentines Fic.
by Britz
Summary: Think I'm a little late for Valentines day? Don't be ridiculous theres always room for romantic-comedy, too bad this isn't romantic in the slightest, but theres plenty of comedy don't worry 'bout that. It's a Valentines day from hell with our five most f
1. Valentines Day

Modern Britz-Take heed fan-fic fans, after this message what you read was written quite a while ago, namely Valintines Day much earlier this year, it whiped me out with writers block for a fair while so I abandoned it, but now I'm jumping back on the horse so to speak, most was written on Valentines Day, when you consider that, my life must be REALLY sad, but eh what'cha gonna do. Read on.....  
  
Britz-Love is in the air, everywhere I look around... Greetings fan-fic fans I'm back already cause I was just desperate to write something for Valentines day and prove I truely am a romantic at heart. So join me in this "romantic" tale of humorous proportions.  
  
Summery-Animorphs during Valentines day fluff, not at all romantic and contains mild self-insertion but not of the whole super-killer-evil-near omnipotent-writer kind y'know. BTW: Since 49 screws every thing up (Sorry if you haven't read it) this is set before it happens Mmmkay?  
  
Guest starring-Tom Jones, (I'm not too proud to say I like his music) Aynslesa and Nina (I know I didn't ask permision and I'm sorry, I'm just doing it to give a faithful nod to the greatest series ever to grace fanfiction.net) and also Louie and Larry the bloody lizards (from Budweiser).   
  
  
THE SAPPY, HAPPY, CRAPPY, VALENTINES PIECE OF FLUFF.  
  
CHAPTER ONE.  
  
Cassie woke up one sunny Valentines morning to hear someone knocking at the door.  
'Who the hell could it be coming over now?' She thought while she silently padded down the stairs to the front door. But when she opened the door she was amazed at what she saw, it was a man in his mid-twenties holding a huge arm-full of roses.  
  
"Hello there, are you Cassie?" He asked, Cassie just nodded dumbly, so the man continued "well I've got a sing-o-gram from your 'close personal friend' Jake." And at that point the man handed her the roses and broke into song: "You are so beautiful to me, you are so beautiful, to me, can't you see? Can't you see? You're everything I hope for, you're everything I need. You are so beautiful to meeeeeee." And after the high-pitched finale then walked back to his van and drove off.  
  
"Oh wow, oh wow" Cassie muttered under her breath, then went back inside the house to read the card that came with the roses that said 'Dear Cassie, I love you, you love me, where more than friends it's plain to see. For our love is like a red red rose,(the two red's are intentional) and I am a little t-horny.' Please come to the Valentines dance with me from your Jakey-poo Once she had finised reading she hugged the roses to her chest and sighed out "OhmiGod...That is sooo sweeeet."  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
Rachel woke up that morning to hear a bird scraching noise at her windowsill.   
"Tobias? Is that you?" She asked, but as she rose out of bed there was a fluttering of wings and the bird was gone, but it had left behind a small styrofome container.  
  
"Huh?" Rachel walked over to investigate and opened it up, inside was a single red rose, a little letter and a dried up mouse heart. Rachel's mouth dropped open with shock and disgust until she read the note which said 'Rachel, I love you so please don't break 'my heart' please come to the dance with me tonight. From you little baby-birdy-boy: Tobias XOXO' "OhmiGod...That is sooo sweeeet." Rachel sighed as she picked up the little mouse heart and sqeezed it against her chest.  
  
CHAPTER THREE  
  
Marco was woken up that mourning by his blaring radio/clock that was just finishing the song 'Monster Mash'  
"Hey were back on the Ben and Marty Valentines day special!" Started the annoucer known as Ben " and say Marty, what the hell has the song 'Monster Mash' got to do with Valentines day?"   
Marty replied "Well y'know...It's got all the monsters...Jiven and umm...Getting down y'know and...."  
"You played the wrong record didn't you?"  
Marty sniffed "all I ask for is a little support, is that to much to ask? Well! You can just go and get fu.." While at this point Marco rolled over and switched off the radio.  
  
It may have been Valentines day but it didn't seem very special to Marco for he was the only human Animorph who wasn't dating, he was just so depressed especially since he had been described as the cute one of the group several times before. He just got up, had a shower, ate breakfast and walked off to school.  
  
As he opened his locker to get ready for his first class out fluttered a pink envelope and a single red rose.  
"Huh? Whats going on here?" He picked them up and slowly opened the envelope, inside was a note written with beautiful copper-plate hand writing, the note said 'Dear Marco, I have admired you from afar for quite a while now and I can bare it no longer. Will you be my Valentine? Please say yes and meet me at the dance tonight I'll be wearing a tight red dress. From your secret admirer. XOXO'  
  
Marco was estatic!, he was immensly pleased! He was real happy! He did a little dance like he had scored the winning touch down at the superbowl and started singing the 'Celabrate good times, COME ON!' Very very loud and very very badly.  
  
Finally he was interrupted while prancing down the hall way.  
"Hey Marco dude! Haven't seen you in a while. Aren't you dead?" Asked some guy named Ben who was obviously stoned out of his mind.  
"Oh yeah...I am aren't I?" Marco mused. "Oh well shit happens."  
"Yeah, cool." Replied Ben who then just went on with his business.  
  
Marco was about to break out into song again when the horrible truth dawned on him. Cause he was after all IN . A . FAN-FIC. Fan-fics weren't normal they were all whacked out and stupied, chances are that his 'secret admirer' was Ax! Or Jake! Or Tobias! Or maybe some controller planning his ultimate downfall!! Or it could be some insane guest-starring writer!!!  
ALL THEASE TERRIBLE POSSABILITIES WERE JUST TOO MUCH TO TAKE IN!  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Marco screamed as loud as humanly possible and then some, then he ran home so fast he broke every possible world record for running, he jumped into his bed and laid there whimpering wrapped up in a foetel position.  
  
CHAPTER FOUR  
  
Later that day Marco, Jake and Tobias were walking around in the mall.  
"Okay okay, so neither of you wrote me that letter?" Marco asked for twentieth time.  
"God-dammit NO! Marco just like every other time NO!" Jake yelled while on the verge of killing something.  
"We have told over and over again NO! So shut up already!!" Tobias screeched.  
"Alright, alright, it's just that I have such a great ass...Oh no! You don't think it was Ax do you?!"  
"Nah," replied a some-what calmer Tobias "I don't think he's in this fic."   
"Well thats good to know, I've been in enough bloody fan-fic's with Ax as my lover it's just not funny." Marco told them.  
  
They walked on for a while till they saw Cassie and Rachel.  
"Hey Cassie! Look who it is!" Rachel nearly screamed with excitement.  
"My Jakey-poo I love you so much!" Cassie squeled. Then she and Rachel grabbed Tobias and Jake and hugged them ferociously.  
"I can't belive you remembered! Your so sweeeet!!" Cassie yelled into Jakes chest then she looked up at him and said "I'm gonna love you and kiss you and hug you and....."   
  
Meanwhile inside Jake's mind: "Oh crap! What have I forgotten now?! Okay is it her birthday....Umm no thats not it.....Jeez..Is it the anniversery of our first kiss?....Hang on didn't she say I remembered something? Hell I'd never remember that....So what is it? Oh no she's rounding off better say something soon! What is it?! WHAT IS IT?! AHHHHHH!!!'  
"Umm....Merry christmas!" Jake muttered patheticlly as his brain screamed 'Merry Christmas?! What the hell was that! You are such a dickhead!!!"  
  
Cassie looked confused "Huh? Merry christmas? What are you talking about?"  
"Umm...I mean" 'C'mon Jake just take a stab at it!' "I mean happy St Patricks Day." Then both him and his mind cried out "Doh!" In perfect unison.  
  
"You didn't really send me those flowers did you?" Cassie asked Jake.  
"But you did give me that note? Didn't you Tobias?" Rachel drawled suspciously.  
  
"Ya...Wha..?..Who?.........I'M NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE!" Tobias yelled.  
  
"Eep!" Squecked Jake and Tobias just before Cassie and Rachel kicked them both square in the nuts for not remembering.   
  
CHAPTER FIVE  
  
Later at the food court where they had gone to get some desperatly needed cold 'anythings' for Jake and Tobias the five Animorphs sat around a table discussing their situation.  
  
"So what do ya reckon? Someone is trying to get us all to tonights dance?" Marco asked the group. "But why?"  
  
Rachel screamed back at him "I'll bet it's the yeerks! Theyr'e gonna kill us! I BET THEY ARE!!!!"  
"Eww, Rachel you spit on me." Marco wiped Rachels spittle off his face.  
  
"Guys" Cassie started "why would the yeerks go to so much trouble if they knew who we were?" The others hum and hared and eventually agreed.  
  
"Well maybe it's the Ellimist?" Suggested Jake.  
"I doubt it" Tobias told him "it isn't exactly his style."  
  
"Well I think I know who it is..." Rachel said as she jumped out of her seat and crept up to the next table where a dashingly handsome writer with shaggy brown hair and black rimmed glasses sat, sipping on a Coke and staring into space.  
  
Cassie whispered "Rachel what are you doing?" At Rachel, but she just jumped up and grabbed the guy who screamed very loudly and fell off his chair "AHHHHHHH!!!! OW!"  
  
Britz picked himself up and screamed "What the hell do you think your'e doing?!!? You scared the shit out of me!! AND YOU SPILLED MY GOD-DAMN COKE!!!!"  
  
Rachel was unaffected by his yelling, she simply grabbed him by the collar then slammed him down on the table "Alright ass-hole! I want answers! NOW!!"   
  
"What the bloody hell are you talking about!?" he got no reaction from Rachel so he appealed to the other Animorphs "Help me dammit! Get this crazy bitch off me!!"  
  
"First we want some answers Britz" Jake told him "are you the one who's been screwing with us?"  
  
"Screwing with you Jake?" Britz mused "Sorry mi'laddo I'm strictly butterside up."  
  
Jake ignored Britz's reply and tried again "Have you been writing the notes incouraging us to go to the dance tonight?"  
"Yeah!" Marco added "Did you write me that love letter?"  
  
"Marco, what did I just tell Jake?" Britz asked him then gave his answer "No I didn't send any of you notes. Can I get up now?"  
  
"How do we know your'e not lying to us?" Rachel hissed  
  
"I am a person of great character! I would never lie!" Britz protested.  
  
"Bull" Cassie told him "so far in this fic youv'e described yourself as, and I quote 'dashingly handsome' so explain that."  
  
"That ain't no lie, it's just my abnormally large ego talking" He retorted.  
  
"He's got us there Cassie" Tobias told her.  
  
"So can I go now?" Britz asked.  
"Alright you can go" Rachel sighed, as she let him get up.  
  
"Good." He got up and started walking away then yelled at them "So I'll see you guys at the dance tonight? Right?"  
  
"Why are you coming to our dance?" Marco yelled back  
  
"Well I'm gonna take my Valentine there!" Britz repiled  
  
"You have a Valentine?" Jake stammered "Bullshit"  
  
"Hey this is the world of Fanfiction.net! Any thing can happen!"  
  
"Uh-huh" Marco said "Just make sure she dosn't deflate on the way over!" Britz just flipped him he bird and walked off.  
  
"So guys? We going to the dance tonight or what?" Rachel asked and they all said yes except Marco "Well Marco?"  
  
"Oh yeah, I've gotta see who this 'secret admierer' is or I'll go nuts." He told her. Marco briefly considered asking Rachel and Cassie if they had written the note, but then he remembered what happened with Jake and Tobias and wisely decided against it.  
  
CHAPTER SIX  
  
When the Animorphs arrived at the gymasium where the dance was that night everything seemed normal enough, with nothing out of the ordinary.  
  
"Hmm everything seems normal enough," mused Cassie "with nothing out of the ordinary"  
  
"Oh yeah?" Marco muttered "what about over there?" He pointed to one of the tables that lined the dance floor and the Animorphs walked over.  
  
"Excuse me? Are you those guys from Budweiser?" Rachel asked the two lizards that were sitting on the table.  
  
"Thats right love" said the first in a thick British accent "I'm Louie the bloody lizard" He continued.  
  
"And I'm Larry the bloody lizard" The second annouced in a Brookln accent "great to bloody meet you."  
  
"Oh wow! I love your guys work!" Tobias gushed "could I have your autograph? It's for my umm..Sister...Tobias." But before they could reply over walked two beautiful female fan-fic writers: Aynslesa and Nina they walked with an air of uh...Vibrent energy and writing Ummm....Goodness. (Don't flame, don't flame!)  
  
"Hello love" Larry said to Nina.  
  
"Yes come on now we had best be off," Louie told Aynslesa then he turned to the Animorphs "bye then govener."  
  
"Oh I love those accents!" Aynslesa annouced  
  
"Yes you two are just so adorable!" Nina told Larry and the two ravishing (don't flame) writers walked off cradling the lizards in their arms.  
  
"Now what the hell was all that about?" Marco asked no one in paticular  
  
Britz suddenly appeared behind him "Just a faithful nod" he told Marco.  
  
"AHHHHH!!!!" Marco jumped two feet off the ground "don't do that!!...And what do you mean?"  
  
Britz sighed "It was a faithful nod to the greatest series ever to grace Fan-fic.net with it's presence." He paused for effect and raised his voice till he was almost yelling "To D.M.P.'s Pure Insanity series!!"  
  
"TO D.M.P.'S PURE INSANITY SERIES!!!" Echoed every one else in the gymnasium, all of them holding up glasses of punch.  
  
"Umm...That wasn't me proposing a toast or any thing...I just got over-excited." Britz told them  
  
"Oh alright then!" They shouted back and took the punch back down.  
  
"Oh to hell with it" Britz grabbed his own glass of punch and held it high. "TO D.M.P.'S PURE INSANITY SERIES!" He yelled.  
  
Once again they echoed "TO D.M.P.'S PURE INSANITY SERIES!"   
  
"FOR K.A.A. CHRISTMAS MORNING AND LITTLE TINY PUPPY DOGS!" Britz screeched and once again the crowd repeated.  
  
Britz came to his conclusion with "AND FOR HALF CRAZED WRITERS WHO WRITE VALENTINES DAY SELF-INSERTIONS AGES AFTER THE FAD HAS DIED!" At this point he was just booed and had punch thrown at him "Ow! Stop throwing things at me, OW! I am not an animal! I am a human being!! OW!"  
  
After everyone had calmed down Marco walked up to Britz and said "I thought you were bringing a date, what did she get her a puncture?"   
  
"Nope, in fact shes right over there" and Britz pointed across the room.  
  
Marco followed his hand till his eyes made contact with the most equistite woman he had ever seen "mommy" he whimpered  
  
"Uh-huh that's Pam" Britz mused "can I write or can I write?" Marco looked at him confused "I can write." Britz told him as 'Pam' sautered (is that a word or did I just make it up? I seriously don't know) over.  
  
"Hello Britz I love you sooo much! Your just sooo great! We are just sooo happy together!" She said in ridicously chirpy way.  
  
Britz noticed Marco staring at him scepticlly "What? So I'm not very good at in-depth character personality."  
  
"To create someone like this in your fic." Marco gestured to the ultra-perky Pam "you would have to be 100% ego"  
  
"Yeah but then who wouldn't be with this face?" Britz got out a hand held mirror and gazed at his reflection lovingly.  
  
"Riiiiiight" Marco stared at him with disgust at such a specticle.  
  
"so what do you want me to do now honey-bunch?" Pam asked Britz in her super-perked up way.  
  
"Why don't you go get the others snookums" Britz and Pam eskimo kissed then Pam walked off.  
  
"You sicken me, you really do" Marco told Britz, "What others?"  
  
"David and Peace, you've meet." Britz replied  
  
"Oh yes, I remeber Peace, from Mega-Murder-Mystery-Morphs, WHEN YOU KILLED ME!"  
  
Britz was unfazed by Marco's outburst, he simply said "yes, thats the one, later dude." and he too walked off.  
  
CHAPTER SEVEN  
  
Marco sat at the table with his fellow Animorphs, wringing out his hands then running them through his hair and just being generally nervous and jittery.  
  
"Marco, dude, could you just calm it down a notch?" Jake asked, "You're gonna be fine."  
  
"How do you know that huh? Most of the fics you're in are normal Jake/Cassie slash, you don't know what it's like to be the non-dating guy of the group, I'm open to slash attacks from all sides!" Marco, half-yelled back.  
  
"Look at the bright side." Cassie tried to calm Marco, "You know what a big fan Britz is of Marco/Rachel slash, maybe thats what this fic is."  
  
"Uh-uh, no-way." Rachel protested, "not this fic, thats kinda obvious don't ya think?"  
  
"He doesn't know that." Cassie whispered to Rachel, none-to-subtly.  
  
Marco groaned very loudly "Ooooh God, I'm a dead-man." Then went back to being nervous self-pitying, he was so wrapped in himself, he didn't even notice when the screaming started at the other end of the gym.  
  
"Oh-no, please tell me that I'm seeing things," Jake said to Cassie, "that can not be who I think it is."  
  
Cassie looked up and her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, "If you didn't see it first, I would have thought I was crazy," she admitted, she tapped Rachel and Tobias, who in turn looked up, staring straight past Marco.  
  
Marco was getting a little creeped out by them all, but was also distracted by the large amounts of people running in the opposite direction to their stares, "guys?" he waved his hand in frount of their faces "hello?"  
  
they still all stared past Marco, unblinking, but Cassie managed to ask a question of Marco at least "Marco" she asked, "what was it that the letter you got said?"  
  
Marco thought about it for a moment, "well let me think, it said dear Marco, I have admired you from a afar, something, something, something...Ummm will you be my Valentine? something, yadi-yada, meet me at the dance tonight, I'll be wearing a tight red dress something like that from your secret admirer." Then it occured to him to say something a little more suitable in reply, "why?"  
  
"Well, I think we've seen your girlfriend." Rachel told him, then she gestured vaguely in the direction of the groups unblinking gaze.  
  
Marco started to turn but before he did a hand rested on his sholder, a very heavy hand, a very heavy clawed hand, Marco turned and looked up...And up......And up, until he looked up into the seemingly ferocious eyes of a seven-foot tall, bladed, leathery, Hork-Bajir.  
  
Or to be more precise Toby Hamee, the Hork-Bajir seer, who just happened to be wearing a tight red dress, "Hi Marco" she said, "will you be my Valentine?"  
  
If Cassie and the others eyes had been the size of dinner plates before then Marco's in comparison were the size of satallite dishes, those REALLY big satalite dishes, his body quivered all over and he did not say a single word, he got up off his chair very calmly, almost in a robotic fasion, then he raced off to the bathroom in a blind panic.  
  
Toby looked at the others quizzically "did he realise it was me in the note?" she asked the other Animorphs.  
  
CHAPTER EIGHT  
  
Marco paced the bathroom, splashing water on his face and beating the crap out of himself respectively, both were intended to wake him up from what he was still hoping was a dream, neither of course worked because it was not, but he tried anyway.  
  
So he splashed more water onto his already soaked face, and was about to get round to the painful part, when the door opened.  
  
Tobias and Jake walked into the room and looked over at Marco, "Dude, you look like shit," was Jakes remark.  
  
"Of course I look like shit!!!" Marco yelled at him, "ohmygod ohmygod, this is bad this is bad, what am I gonna do? WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!?!"  
  
"Well to start with" Jake suggested "you could stop repeating yourself"  
  
"stop repeating yourself" Tobias echoed, Jake and Marco glared at him, but then moved on.  
  
"This is too weird you guys," Marco continued, "She's big and tough and scary..."  
  
"She's your dominatrix Valentine" Tobias told him, but Marco showed no reaction if he heard, he just kept going.  
  
"Shes all leathery, with those scary-ass feet, and the claws, and she has all those blades pointy bits...." He slumped against the wall, "what am I supposed to do in this kind of situation huh? My dad certainly never went through THIS in that birds 'n' bees discussion."  
  
"Well lets go through this rationally" Tobias suggested, "blades? Pointy bits? Hmmm, practice safe sex, very very safe sex, think about it blades, pointy bits, your...."   
  
Marco stopped him there, thankfully "yeah Tobias, got it, thanks for the mental image." he buried his head in his hands and moaned while Jake and Tobias exchanged a discrete high five at Tobias's 'call'.  
  
Marco stayed in that position, muttering to himself until Jake cleared his throat and broke the silence by saying, " you know, Marco, if there is, God-forbid, an accident in the bedroom, somewhat similar to what I went through as a baby, cause remember I'm Jewish, well," Jake looked very uncomfortable, "really it looks the better for it, it sorta develops a face, more personality...y'know?"  
  
Marco looked up at Jake, and then burst into tears at the thought.  
  
CHAPTER NINE  
  
Jake and Tobias had left Marco on own, much to his insistance, then he sunk deeper into self-pity, and once again began trying to wake himself up with the ritual of water and self-beating.  
  
He banged himself against one of the toilet doors and was surprised to hear someone on the other side.  
  
"Uh, be out in a minute dude." the person called out.  
  
Marco thought for second and identified the voice as that of Ben, the stoner who had asked him wasn't he supposed to be dead earlier today, "Ben? Is that you?" Marco tentatively sniffed the air, "you smoking in there?"  
  
"Umm, not cigarettes." Ben called back .  
  
Marco shrugged "good enough for me."  
  
"Hey Marco," Ben yelled between puffs, "saw that lizard chick you're with," another smokey pause then "major hottie there dude."  
  
Marco was in disbelief "you really think that?"  
  
"well as lizard chicks go..." he trailed off.  
  
Marco thought about it for a moment, it made a vague kind of sense, or maybe he was just inhaling to many of the fumes coming from Ben's side of the door.  
  
"think about it," Ben told him, "shes big, tough and that skin is like some all over leather suit," there was a thought-provoking pause "she's your dominatrix Valentine."  
  
"we already used that line."  
  
"Oh I'm sorry," apologised Ben, then he opened the door, "Well Marco, maybe she isn't the girl for you, but you have to take risks in life and love."  
  
"Actually Im a little more worried about risking something else if we get to intimate." Marco admitted, "you know my..."  
  
Ben cut him off "Marco, listen to yourself, you consider yourself cute, witty and charming, yet when was your last date?" He saw Marco's pained expression and continued, "the problem my friend is you, you haved a total fear of intimacy, probally as a result of the loss of your mother when you were younger, you closed yourself off emotionally in that departmeant pertaining to that."  
  
"Wha..?" Marco was quite through off by all this "how do you know all this?"  
  
"simple Freudian my friend," Ben told him.  
  
"I repeat: how do you..." But Ben interrupted Marco again.  
  
"So maybe shes not 'The One' Marco, or the next girl, or the next, maybe the term 'soul mate' for you is as pointless as the term 'I can't believe it's not Butter' or 'Shave my Poodle', but always remember 'To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.' Well said by Leo Buscalia, a very wise man Marco my friend, so take heed of his advice." Ben turned and then swaggered to the door, he looked back at Marco with a little half-turn and winked "and to think," he said, "originally I was going to be nothing but an extra in this fic." His uproarious laughter echoed as he walked out through the door.  
  
"Wow," Marco was truely shocked by the the change in situation, "what the hell was he really smoking?"  
  
CHAPTER TEN  
  
Marco walked back to the table occupied by Jake, Cassie and his not-so-secret admirer Toby, his eyes nervously darted over each one randomly, Jake and Cassie almost visibly winced, they only hoped Marco let her down easy.  
  
"Come on Toby, lets get out of here," he told her, she looked delighted, Jake and Cassie just looked amazed, Jake's mouth hung so low Marco could probaly have fitted his fist in there, he stifled a powerful urge to try.  
  
Toby jumped out of her seat, happy as a clam so to speak, she sent the table flying when she bumped it but seemd not to notice, she walked over but Jake skidded to Marco first, "could I just have two seconds?" he asked, then he lead Marco away without waiting for an answer.  
  
"What's with you?" He questioned Marco, "why this sudden change in attitude?"  
  
"I got some really great advice from a really stoned guy," Marco told Jake, "he said something 'bout, taking risks, how you have to in life and stuff, and how the worst thing you can do is not take risks."  
  
"You are well aware of what parts you will be risking if things get a little more, how-you-say, itimate." Jake asked him.  
  
Marco gulped, and nervously nodded, he could not bring himself to words.  
  
"Marco my friend" Jake started, "I've lead missions down to the Yeerk pool, made life or death decisions more times than I can count on a spur of a moment, and I've lived for years doing all this with a person who would gladly kill me without a thought. But...." He paused, "still you are a far braver man than I, I wish you luck good fellow," he shook his hand and gave a manly pat on the back, then he was gone.  
  
Toby meanwhile was not so solem, quite the opposite, she was ecstatic, she practically leaped over to Marco and gave him a bone-crushing, literally, hug, she held on tight till Marco finally managed to croke out "air." She apologised and soon they were on their merry way.  
  
Britz arrived just in time to see Marco being practically frog-marched away from the table, hand-in-hand with a bladed-lizard tough enough to kick Xena's hiney, (yes, truely, even Xena.)  
  
"did I miss something?" he asked the still-in-shock Cassie, who didn't answer, didn't move or even appear to breath she was so shocked, that is until Jake asked her to dance, she snapped into action cause Jake is just soooo cute and all, hey it's her point of view not mine, I'm not on trial here.  
  
CHAPTER ELEVEN  
  
The official Animorphs couples were on the dance, grooving it, shaking it, burning it up, grinding it and whatever else they could do with the it they had left after all that, while Britz watched from the side with Pam the hyper-hypo girl and David and his hot little package of nasty: Peace, sucked face, and considering David is a rat that was a seriously scary thing to see.  
  
I mean I've seen some truely freaky-scary-gross things in my time such as: many pictures on Rotten.com, that truely disgusting waste-bucket where I work, my last girlfriend, but possibly only the last one could top the spectacle David and Peace were making.  
  
The slow dance that all mass of couples on the floor had been pulsating too was suddenly interrupted by a solitary figure on stage, it was frail-looking and it's skin was like a prune and almost jet-black, the eyes of the creature were large and mocking.  
  
This creature was none other than the Drode, "Good evening, ladies and gents" he annouced, "and a especially special good evening out to the Animorphs who are joining us tonight." spotlights focused over Jake, Cassie, Rachel and Tobias. "Hey Cassie, did you enjoy the flowers I sent you?" He asked.  
  
"So you sent us those notes and stuff" Cassie pointlessly stated, then she asked something that really applied: "Why?"  
  
"Well I just wanted you crazy kids to have a good night out on the town to speak," the Drode replied, "A real HOO-WAH! If you will."  
  
"Yeah right," Rachel sneered "why would you do that for us?"  
  
"Hey, remember, I'm a wild card." The Drode told her, "can't I just do something nice?"  
  
"I doubt it!" Rachel yelled back.  
  
"Well wether you believe me or not isn't the case," the Drode said back, "cause tonight is Valentines day, only later into the PM," the Drode's voice deepened to newer and sexier depths, "so Animorphs, I'm the Drode and I'll be standing in for Cupid this evening, and just to make this night extra special here he is, the master of looooooove, MR TOM JONES!" The familiar music from 'It's Not Unusual' came blaring from the speakers and Tom Jones skidded onto the stage.   
  
Tom Jones was clearly bewildered by this odd turn of events, "Huh?" being the only comment from the great performer.  
  
"It's a fan-fic," the Drode told him, "don't question it just sing along." Then the music reached the starting point and the Drode broke into song with tones to rivel the great Tom Jones himself, he sang: "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone."  
  
Well being zapped into a high school auditorium and having a talking lizard man insist he sing along to one of his songs was hardly enough to deter a fantastic singer like Mr Tom Jones so he started up to, "it's not unusual to have fun with anyone."  
  
"But when I see you hanging about with anyone," the Drode picked up.  
  
"It's not unusual to see me cry," then Tom Jones and the Drode serenaded together "I wanna diiiie."  
  
All the female-type-people, you know the soft and squishy-types, ran screaming to the stage, including Rachel, Cassie, Peace and Pam, all were instauntly enthralled by the great Mr Jones.  
  
Tom Jones and the Drode started the second verse of "It's Not Unusual".  
  
Britz began to weep at the songs beauty, and at the realization that he was such a huge failure with women even in his own pysche.  
  
On stage the first rain of moist female panties began to fall....  
  
  



	2. Valentines Night

Britz-Sorry 'bout that, there was this weird thing with my computer, had to split the story up.  
  
CHAPTER TWELVE  
  
It was later on Valentines night and the gymnasium was a-rocking, if you were female that is.  
  
The stage was now covered several inches deep in female underwear (and even the occasional jock-strap), it appeared that all the ladies had become groupies for Mr Tom Jones, and yes, the Drode, they screamed louder than the objects of their affections could sing, even without the mikes.  
  
Meanwhile back at the tables, it appeared that all the gentlemen, had entered a severe depression, sneering and staring and chugging down booze.  
  
Were did the alcohol come from at a school dance you ask? Well you see the trick is the day before the dance you go into the school bathrooms and lift up the lids, (at the top, where the flush button is, not the bowl part, sicko) of the toilets, then you can store the beer inside of the toilet, ALWAYS make sure however that the beer is in UNOPENED bottles and cans, ofterwise ewwwww.  
  
The table that held the two remaining male Animorphs, David and Britz was no exception, Jake and Tobias sucked down their bottles of, ummm, American beer, David, being a rat as he was, was getting blitzed on shot glasses and Britz was drinking from a can of VB (real Aussie beer) and his boot flask of Coca-Cola at varying intervals, the table was surrounded by empty cans and bottles of beer from both nationalities.  
  
David asked this sad group in slurred thought-speak How ish it possahble that she could chwoos Tom Jonesah over meee? It appeared that his sloshed state even affected his thought's, I mean whas he got dat I don't got? he then coughed up a ratty little hairball and dropped a small pile of rat pellets onto the table.  
  
"Oh I can't imagine," Britz drawled sarcastically, then giggled drunkly at his own wit.  
  
Tom Jones and the Drode finished their second encore and decided to call it a night, they ran for the back door as they could followed by well over a hundred of their newest groupies.  
  
"Lets go and scream things outside their hotels rooms all night!!!" One girl in the crowd yelled, the others screamed back in agreement, among the loudest screechers were Rachel and Cassie, all the ladies left in one huge shouting, sweating mass.  
  
five minutes of uncomfortable silence passed at the table.  
  
"I don't think they're coming back," Jake told Tobias as sagely as he could muster, Tobias eyes simply stared ahead with a blank glazed-over look.  
  
But he was wrong, one did return: Peace.  
  
"Hello Davey-Wavey my love" she cooed to the drunken rat.  
  
Davids normaly dim and now even dimmer animal eyes squinted and narrowed, entirely of their own accord until finally focusing on Peace's shaply form.  
  
you came back for meee? Davids tongue lolled from his mouth like a friendly dog's.  
  
"Well of course I did," She smiled down at him, "I love you my wittle wat-baby."  
  
Yeah, yeah cool... his eyes may have focused but his brain was no sharper, cause what's he got...What's he....What's he got..... He couldn't finish his thought but Peace didn't seem to mind, she scooped up the stammering rat and walked off, stroking her fingers through his fur.  
  
Five more minutes of the same uncomfortable silence passed while Jake's face showed obvious strain, the straining came from both his mind and bladder.  
  
Finally the coherent thought got through, he asked Britz "How come he got Peace back?"  
  
This raised Britz from his alcohol-induced stupor to come up with "Huh?"  
  
"Well your the writer of this fic, egotistical and Peace and Pam were created in your mind..."  
  
"Which really shows what a sick place it is in there." Britz interrupted and Jake ignored.  
  
"And David's a rat, literally and figuratively, yet he got his lady friend back and you didn't, what's the deal?" Jake finished.  
  
Britz stared down at his boot flask and took a swig, then mumbled, "I have self-esteem issues."  
  
"What issues? Your a friggen egomaniac!" Jake replied.  
  
"I also multiple-personality disorder," Britz half-sobbed and he chugged at the can of VB (real Aussie beer.)  
  
CHAPTER THIRTEEN  
  
Meanwhile a car pulled up at the very clichely named 'Makeout Point', this car was driven by none other than Toby the Hork-Bajir seer, she drove cause she had a license, how a Hork-Bajir got a license is beyond me, they have bad eyesight don't they? Hmmmm, yes, opps I'm poking holes in my own story. Also she was the one who had this destination in mind.  
  
"Uhhh Toby," Marco stammered, "I think we passed my house, like, seven miles back." He looked around the cars surroundings, "say, is this 'Makeout Point'?"  
  
"Yes," Toby admitted, "you ever been here before?" She asked in a very husky tone, which was just as close to sensual as she could get.  
  
"No, but I've heard good things," Marco told her, then a nervous glance took in Toby's quivering form, her muscles were bunched, her eyes were lustful and her intention was obvious, she began to unzip her dress. (slut! *cough* slut!)  
  
"Oh no, no no no no....No." Marco stuttered, holding up his arms as if to protect himself.  
  
Toby gave up on the zip and ripped off the red dress, it was quite tight, (it had taken her an hour and forty minutes plus a barrel of lubricant and the jaws of life to get on,) then began to work on the bra,(yes she was wearing a bra, a very big bra, it was Underwear For Anywhere made by the fine people at Ecstatic Egg Wear, not really an inside joke but as close to one as I'll ever get, I never get inside, sniff.)   
  
Toby growled out "how do you undo this damn thing?" as she fumbled around with the latch.  
  
"Wow, you're just as clueless as us guys?" Marco was astonised.  
  
"Well it's not like I usually wear them," Toby pointed out, "but look at these" she slapped her chest.  
  
Marco gulped quite audibly, "those are very nice, you grow them yourself?"  
  
"No silly, I got them special for this date," She told him, still fiddling with the latch, "I've been on 'the Internet' I know how obsessed you humans are with breasts, quite frankly I don't get it" the bra fell free.  
  
"Oooh holy-momma."   
  
"Come're you," Toby licked her, Uhh, beak I guess and leapt for Marco.  
  
Thankfully we cut to a view outside the car, it shuddered and nearly tipped on it's side from the impact of Tobys jump, Marco head snapped back and put a good crack on the passenger side window, but before his woozy mind could comprehend any pain he was hauled into the back seat by Toby's muscular bladed arms.  
  
"No! No! No! No! Nooooo!!!" Marco screamed in actual disagreement.  
  
"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yesssssss!!!" Toby screamed back as her panties, big enough to house a family of four, flew out the window.  
  
The car bounced along with her movements, smoke poured from the engine and all four tires blew out simultaneously.  
  
"OOH BABY." Marco cried from inside in tones deep enough to rival the great Barry White himself.  
  
CHAPTER FOURTEEN  
  
Much later Toby and Marco sat together in the backseat of Toby's car, both as naked as the day they were born.  
  
Toby stared at Marco with what seemed to be a permanent grin etched on her monsterous face, "You were great Marco," she told him and puffed on her traditional after-sex cigerette.  
  
Marco eyes stared unseeingly ahead, an unlit cigerette dangled from the side of his mouth. His left arm was bent off at an unusual angle and he drooled like a newly-labotimized man.  
  
Toby grew a little nervous from the blank look on Marco's face but continued, "gentle as a lamb, but powerful, you were an animal Marco," He most certainly had been an animal with Toby, a weeping, screaming panicky one.  
  
Still Marco did not respond, Toby grew a little scared.  
  
"Marco?" She shook lightly, no response, "Marco?" She shook him so hard his brain bounced around in his skull but there was no reply.  
  
"Oy vey, how will I explain this mess to my parents?" She asked nothing in particular.  
  
CHAPTER FIFTEEN  
  
And here is the wrap-up...  
  
Rachel, Cassie and Pam are now groupies for Mr Tom Jones and the Drode and are now deep in dept cause of all the new sets of panties they must buy after each show.  
  
Tobias was drunk too long and became a human nothlit, he woke up the next day in bed at a Holiday Inn with a police women's hat and suspenders, a traffic cone (it's not a good night if you don't get a traffic cone.) and there was a note on the dresser addressed to him as 'the lonely boy in the rain', it read: 'I am the flower you are the seed, we walked in the garden we planted a tree, don't try to find me, please don't you dare, just live in my memory, you'll always be there..Etc'   
  
Jake tried some 'Victoria Bitter' (real Aussie beer) and woke up naked three weeks later in New Mexico, pierced in a half-dozen places and with the name 'Geoff' tattooed across his buttocks, he never found out who Geoff was.  
  
Britz woke up with no idea who or where he was, but that was normal for him in the morning time.  
  
Marco suffered a broken arm, several shattered ribs, a concussion and was put in a coma for two months from his night 'o' loooove with Toby, he is currently re-learning how to tie his shoelaces.  
  
###FIN###  
  
Britz-Most romantic story I ever heard that, whadda you think? Write us a review pleeeeeeeease, I live entirely on feedback, (along with some air and alot of Coke I guess.) Ciao fan-fic fans. 


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